What I Want Most Right Now

I had a serious chat with my boyfriend last night. Today, I feel terrible. So I am back to blogging because I know there really isn't anyone who I feel I can talk to. I'd like to talk it out with my boyfriend but I think I just need to give him space. Maybe that is the problem. I'm a fixer. If something is wrong is knaws and nags at me until I either do something about it this instant or it drives me crazy. Currently I would say I am in the crazy category. What do you do when all you are guilty of is living your own life how you think you should? I work...a lot and I attend school. I pay my own bills. Not the most enjoyable thing. But I do all of these things anyway because I'm not satisfied with where I am at. I work my tail off so I can maybe have the opportunities and freedoms of my choosing one day. I can't help this nor can I help that I'm a rare, odd breed of mature. You could say I don't go with the flow...at all really. I'm 21 and I don't drink, party, and I'm responsible. Is this a fun existence? I'm content with it for the most part and it probably won't change. The problem? My boyfriend feels inadequate compared to me and pressure to get his life into some sort of order. He's definitely taken a step back emotionally. He's been hurt in the past and let's face it. I'm not the typical girl he is used to and he's left wondering what in the world is he going to do with me. He feels our levels are maturity are too different...my success bothers him...my intense feelings scare him. I've not meant to but I've done all of this to him. He's confused and I'm hurt. I wish I could make him see that I don't care about status or anything like that and he shouldn't either. I know that he is doing all that he can and the best that he can in the circumstances he is in right now. And I love him for that. As for my feelings? Maybe this is what my down fall is. Loving whole heartedly with reckless abandon. I can't just love him a little. Everything in me loves him for who he is. This intimidates him. He knows I'm the "real deal" and he feels helpless. So, knowing all of this, I'm giving him space. It hurts. And all I want when I'm hurting is for him to be there for me. It's a twisted circle of ironic pain. It's like, I'm all out there for him. I've invested 100% of myself and my feelings. But he isn't there yet. But I don't want to push. The last thing I want to do is lose him. So I'll wait. However, I wish I could understand what is holding him back. Doesn't he know how happy he has made me these last few months? He doesn't feel good enough for me. Well, you know what? And he'd think this is ridiculous, but I've never felt good enough for him. I mean, look at me. I'm a homebody who works way too much and isn't exciting or even necessarily fun to be around. What do I have to offer? I don't. He on the other hand, loves life, lives it to its fullest, and honestly cares about everyone. He's crazy talented and intelligent. I couldn't measure up to him even if I wanted to. I'm just thankful he hasn't realized he could get just about any girl without even trying. I'd be a goner. A very devastated goner. Anyway, I don't know what the future will bring. I want to call him, text him, speak to him...but I also want to give him the space he needs to sort out everything. It hurts. But I'd go through anything for him. Tears...the wrenching pain in my chest. It goes away in time. Always does. So until then I'll be quietly fighting for us. Fighting for this rare love I've found. Fighting for a man who has turned my world up-side-down for the better.