Missing You

"I miss you". If there was somehow a way to compute how often this phrase gets used in just a single day I'm sure the results would be enormous. But just because it is overused doesn't mean I mean it any less. It's true. I miss you. My heart aches. Luckily, this ache is sometimes dulled by the busyness of life. That's why I try to stay busy. To distract. Sadly, at the end of the day when I'm forced to be alone, these aching feelings creep up and almost always overwhelm me with a sense of loss. Without you I feel lost, alone. Don't get me wrong. I like being alone, I just don't like feeling alone. I'm left to my thoughts. Silence sometimes screams the loudest. This silence between us is slowly wearing me down emotionally. I lie here consumed with thoughts of you and I'm left wondering if you even thought about me once today. My pessimism says no...it says you're thinking about leaving me for something better...it says you are getting tired of me and the pressure you feel from me. These are the thoughts that plague me when I'm alone. I hate it. Then again, there is sleep. A long escape from reality. As luck would have it, my dreams are filled with you. You. Are. My. Drug. I can't get you out of my mind. I miss you. I love you. Don't forget me.

What I Want Most Right Now

I had a serious chat with my boyfriend last night. Today, I feel terrible. So I am back to blogging because I know there really isn't anyone who I feel I can talk to. I'd like to talk it out with my boyfriend but I think I just need to give him space. Maybe that is the problem. I'm a fixer. If something is wrong is knaws and nags at me until I either do something about it this instant or it drives me crazy. Currently I would say I am in the crazy category. What do you do when all you are guilty of is living your own life how you think you should? I work...a lot and I attend school. I pay my own bills. Not the most enjoyable thing. But I do all of these things anyway because I'm not satisfied with where I am at. I work my tail off so I can maybe have the opportunities and freedoms of my choosing one day. I can't help this nor can I help that I'm a rare, odd breed of mature. You could say I don't go with the flow...at all really. I'm 21 and I don't drink, party, and I'm responsible. Is this a fun existence? I'm content with it for the most part and it probably won't change. The problem? My boyfriend feels inadequate compared to me and pressure to get his life into some sort of order. He's definitely taken a step back emotionally. He's been hurt in the past and let's face it. I'm not the typical girl he is used to and he's left wondering what in the world is he going to do with me. He feels our levels are maturity are too different...my success bothers him...my intense feelings scare him. I've not meant to but I've done all of this to him. He's confused and I'm hurt. I wish I could make him see that I don't care about status or anything like that and he shouldn't either. I know that he is doing all that he can and the best that he can in the circumstances he is in right now. And I love him for that. As for my feelings? Maybe this is what my down fall is. Loving whole heartedly with reckless abandon. I can't just love him a little. Everything in me loves him for who he is. This intimidates him. He knows I'm the "real deal" and he feels helpless. So, knowing all of this, I'm giving him space. It hurts. And all I want when I'm hurting is for him to be there for me. It's a twisted circle of ironic pain. It's like, I'm all out there for him. I've invested 100% of myself and my feelings. But he isn't there yet. But I don't want to push. The last thing I want to do is lose him. So I'll wait. However, I wish I could understand what is holding him back. Doesn't he know how happy he has made me these last few months? He doesn't feel good enough for me. Well, you know what? And he'd think this is ridiculous, but I've never felt good enough for him. I mean, look at me. I'm a homebody who works way too much and isn't exciting or even necessarily fun to be around. What do I have to offer? I don't. He on the other hand, loves life, lives it to its fullest, and honestly cares about everyone. He's crazy talented and intelligent. I couldn't measure up to him even if I wanted to. I'm just thankful he hasn't realized he could get just about any girl without even trying. I'd be a goner. A very devastated goner. Anyway, I don't know what the future will bring. I want to call him, text him, speak to him...but I also want to give him the space he needs to sort out everything. It hurts. But I'd go through anything for him. Tears...the wrenching pain in my chest. It goes away in time. Always does. So until then I'll be quietly fighting for us. Fighting for this rare love I've found. Fighting for a man who has turned my world up-side-down for the better.

Just a Small Town Girl...

I'm feeling pretty alone right now. Granted, I know there isn't a person on this entire Earth who hasn't had similar feelings to the ones I'm currently dealing with. It's been about a month since I last posted so I should probably catch you up on at least the last several days. For the past five days I've been in Nashville, Tennessee. There isn't an adequate adjective to appropriately describe the feelings I got when I was there. I felt not only happy...but the kind of happy where you know honestly believe that everything is going to work out. No matter what. Like I was on top of the world and no one could bring me down. Except myself that is. I was bombarded really. I got a real glimpse of humanity. I came to terms with love and how it doesn't magically solve everything. I have to fight for what I feel passionately about sometimes. With all these up's and down's which happened to be my fault. A regular roller coaster. Enough with the jargon right? I'll give some back story.

I suppose I should first answer the obvious. Why was I in Tennessee you ask? I was there visiting my boyfriend. My love. My life. And I almost screwed it up all too! *face palm*
I conquered some finals and hopped on a plane where I landed in Nashville last Thursday evening. I had some sort of intuition but he ended up surprising me at the baggage claim. I can honest to God say I have never ever been so thrilled to see someone in my life. I love him. More than I should. More than humanly possible it seems. Being back now I feel already like a part of my soul is missing. The part that I can lean on and feel secure with. The funny thing is that I don't think he has any idea how deeply I feel towards him. Anyway, we spent the evening being together and familiarizing ourselves to each other. It was so good to be able to hold him. I had forgotten what he smelled like. And I won't likely forget for a while because now that I've opened my suitcase being back from my trip the entire room smells of cigarette smoke. Funny thing, this smell. I hate smoking. It worries me a lot that my boyfriend smokes. He knows it too. But I'm finding immense comfort in hugging my sweater that smells like cigarette smoke. It smells like him. That first night I also couldn't tear my eyes away from him either. I was almost afraid that if I looked away for a moment he might disappear. So I stared (probably borderline creeper status), smiled like an absolute idiot, and tried desperately to lock away the picture of his face in my memory. He was so handsome. New haircut and he shaved for me and I know he didn't want to do either. It's the little things that mean the most to me. The first night was one for the books. The next morning, however, I woke with a fever and an intensely swollen throat. I'm convinced it was strep throat and it is just now going away. I slept the entire day. Sad at the wasted day but my boyfriend was at work anyway. He was so excited to be at work so he could earn money to take me out. But that wouldn't happen so easily. His terrible, irresponsible, jerk of a roommate failed to let him know rent was due. All that was left was a single Lincoln. Upset. Almost to the point of unreasonable. I hadn't seen this side of him before. In all honesty, it scared me. He had wanted to so badly to be able to take me out since I had spent my own money to come and see him. Something he said he couldn't fathom. Someone caring about him that much to sacrifice for him. So he just wanted to do this one little thing for me. He opened up to me that night. I saw a serious side of him. Something he claims he doesn't have. For the first time he let me in. Even though I couldn't do a thing to really be of great comfort to him he chose to open up to me anyway. That meant the world to me. He was vulnerable. Still is as a matter of fact. We ended up fighting a couple of days later. My fault. My lack of communication skills along with hoping he would just magically know what I wanted. For the first time he saw my flaws. I'm troubled that he has put me up onto a pedestal. I'm not perfect, I have a temper like everyone else. However, having me on this pedestal causes even my minor mistakes to look like major mistakes. We made up and I sort of enjoyed the rest of the time there. I may be negative but I couldn't shake the thought of leaving him. Why? Because I knew what I was coming back to. Nothing worth while for sure. A mundane, depressing existence that lacked the one person I have come to depend on so much. I felt empty as my plane landed. No one waiting for me, a quiet drive home, and an evening spent alone. Today I sensed a change. I knew he was bothered by something. I know I'm partly to blame. I think he is very much feeling the pressures of life and the choices he could make. Some of these choices will affect me and he's not sure about them. I'm beginning to think he and I are scarily alike in our deep sense of feelings. I just happen to be able to blog them out. No. I don't necessarily feel better but there's some twisted comfort in knowing that at least my feelings are physically out there in the form of this blog post. He shuts everyone out. Even those he cares for most. He is tormented by the challenges of life and they plague him even though he knows he has so many other things on his plate to worry about. He feels alone. I wish he wouldn't shut me out too but at the very least I know all too well this scenario. Am I walking blindly? Can two people that have such immensely deep feelings but refuse to talk about them have a future together? It would be a challenge, I'm not going to lie. But I've made up in my mind that he is worth it. I just hope he eventually feels the same way about me.

 Thinking back on it now is like a dream and with each passing day it will start to fade. That's why I write. I write in my moments of intense emotion so I can one day look back and maybe remember those raw feelings and memories that are very much real for me at this very moment.

Blogging my troubles away

There's something sort of consoling being able to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I am the only one who knows about this blog. I haven't told any friends or family about this. My boyfriend does not even know about this blog. Anyone who happens to stumble onto it is a perfect stranger. Blogging my troubles away I call it. I've kept a diary off and on for years but in today's technologically advanced society I've finally jumped on that bandwagon that is called blogging. Sure this "online diary" of sorts will never really go away and isn't private but isn't that what freedom of speech is for?

If anyone has managed to make it this far into my posting I'll let you know now. I'm a rambler. I'll take a simple thought and run with it making it more complicated than necessary. Call it part of my personality...call it part of the fact that I am a woman and women feel the intense need to express themselves...call it whatever you like! Just know that I ramble. You see? I've managed to make an entire paragraph on the premise of my rambling. Ha

More often than not my postings will consist of putting my frustrations to words or pondering life's mysteries. I'll admit, sometimes I blog with the dangerous combination of intense hurt or intense anger. I just recently went through my old Facebook notes and all I can say is...wow. I'm a weird, creative freak.

I suppose it would be appropriate for my first posting to be a little about myself before I blog about others. To sum it up, you could say I am one of those stereotypical young adults. Striving for success, love, and respect. But somehow seriously struggling with all three. On the extremely treacherous path of "finding" herself. Trying to juggle a career in-the-works, a boyfriend, a dysfunctional family who is currently shunning you, and learning all the ins and outs of being an adult. I won't go into excruciating detail since this isn't an autobiography and you as the reader could probably care less about this stranger's post you happened on.

What I will say is who I am today and who I was a year ago are vastly different, to most. Forced into this seemingly perfect existence through peer pressure. Maybe I was always the person I am now but just afraid to stand up for myself. I won't say I have all my ducks in order and that I understand everything that is going on. Quite the opposite actually. I'm very much in the "finding myself" stage. Of course, you'd have to understand a little of my background to understand most of what I've said in the last two paragraphs.

If I manage, this will be the most condensed version of the past 21 years I've ever given. 21 years ago, literally all the way across the ocean, little me was born, abandoned, and adopted 11 months later. Okay, so I know based on that version you may view me as a cynical person. Only sometimes. My view is there is no point in making a sob story out of something that I can't even remember. Sure I wonder about my birth parents. What adopted child doesn't? But that's all said and done and I for one am just grateful to be alive and well. Out of all the places I could have grown up in, I never pictured myself being in the Midwest. 8 years in a country town, 2 overseas, 3 in the next state over, and finally back to my home state. 15 years summed up in one sentence, not too shabby.

Are you wondering about my family yet? I've got an older brother. Also adopted. He's pretty much always been successful and now he's living the American dream with a large house, adorable (expecting) wife, well-paying job, and dog/cat. He in my mind has always been the poster child for what a son should be. He definitely took notes from Mary Poppins. Do I sound bitter? Deep down I don't think I truly am. I could have reasons to resent him but what for? He didn't  know or contribute to my rocky relationship with my parents.

Ah yes. Parents. I'm going to try my best to paint them realistically because otherwise I could make them sound like monsters if I wanted to since I am at odds with them. I'm an emotional roller coaster dreamer who cannot keep her opinions to herself. Clearly these things do not mix well with authorities such as parents. Also, let's add the factor of a strict religious upbringing mixed with a young adult figuring out life. So in all actuality those two things don't mix at all. One is oil and one is water. And honestly the whole religion thing I haven't been able to really confide in anyone about. I can either talk to "super-Christians" who look down on me even though they are no more perfect than I am, or I can talk to people who call themselves Christians but have never read the Bible in their entire lives and don't believe it anyway. I'll admit, there is some definite confusion. What I do know is I still believe in God. That's something that has never wavered. Have I questioned the goodness of God? Absolutely. Especially now that I've found a love that has brought happiness to me but everyone else is opposed to it. I finally refused to be a hypocrite any more and stand by the guy I love. Call it cheesy or cliche. It might have its moments but I take pride in the fact that I've stuck by him and vice versa. He is a whole other can of worms which I won't go into right now other than the fact that I'm struggling a little to get over our idiosyncrasies but I can't tell him because I've felt like a huge annoyance lately. Communication is key. I know, I know. But this post isn't exclusively about him!
Wait, wasn't this paragraph supposed to be about my parents? Back to them. My dad, I love him. I know he's disappointed in the choices I've made but he loves me anyway. His continued compassionate treatment of me has been humbling. And  by choices I will say in my opinion they aren't necessarily life ruining contrary to my family's belief. According to others I'm an actual young adult with a good head on her shoulders. I work a full-time and part-time job while studying to be an Occupational Therapist. I don't drink, smoke, or party (personal preferences). I live on my own and pay my own bills. A seemingly rarer and rarer combination these days among people in their 20s. My mother on the other hand. She's much like me. We butt heads constantly, say hurtful things we don't mean, and hold on to grudges. I'm basically dead to her or at the very least an embarrassment. Although if we were all honest, this embarrassment and disappointment stems from the fact that I didn't fit the mold of the perfect life they had planned for me.

But a parent wouldn't be a parent if they didn't want what was "best" for their child, right? Their "best" and my "best" just don't line up. Right now things are difficult. And by difficult I mean things are pretty terrible. If every tomorrow wasn't a new day I would've jumped off a bridge by now. I'm a pessimist. Something I've inherited (I bet you can't guess from which parent) and something I've found recently that really irritates my boyfriend. He hasn't admitted it yet but the lack of communication from him has spoken volumes. It is driving me nuts by the way. I'm used to being in constant contact with my boyfriends and he just isn't like that. Extremely, extremely laid back. I'm not sure how it happened for me, the uptight worry wart to end up with the king of "take life as it comes."  We balance each other out. At least, I like to think that. Okay, in all honesty, he probably does more of the balancing. He really shouldn't pick up on my excessive amounts of OCDness.

I've sort of blogged so long now I forgot what the original intention of this post was supposed to be. But there are tons of things I've noticed I'll have to expound on sometime. Happy reading folks. If you've managed to make it this far you win an award.