I'm feeling pretty alone right now. Granted, I know there isn't a person on this entire Earth who hasn't had similar feelings to the ones I'm currently dealing with. It's been about a month since I last posted so I should probably catch you up on at least the last several days. For the past five days I've been in Nashville, Tennessee. There isn't an adequate adjective to appropriately describe the feelings I got when I was there. I felt not only happy...but the kind of happy where you know honestly believe that everything is going to work out. No matter what. Like I was on top of the world and no one could bring me down. Except myself that is. I was bombarded really. I got a real glimpse of humanity. I came to terms with love and how it doesn't magically solve everything. I have to fight for what I feel passionately about sometimes. With all these up's and down's which happened to be my fault. A regular roller coaster. Enough with the jargon right? I'll give some back story.
I suppose I should first answer the obvious. Why was I in Tennessee you ask? I was there visiting my boyfriend. My love. My life. And I almost screwed it up all too! *face palm*
I conquered some finals and hopped on a plane where I landed in Nashville last Thursday evening. I had some sort of intuition but he ended up surprising me at the baggage claim. I can honest to God say I have never ever been so thrilled to see someone in my life. I love him. More than I should. More than humanly possible it seems. Being back now I feel already like a part of my soul is missing. The part that I can lean on and feel secure with. The funny thing is that I don't think he has any idea how deeply I feel towards him. Anyway, we spent the evening being together and familiarizing ourselves to each other. It was so good to be able to hold him. I had forgotten what he smelled like. And I won't likely forget for a while because now that I've opened my suitcase being back from my trip the entire room smells of cigarette smoke. Funny thing, this smell. I hate smoking. It worries me a lot that my boyfriend smokes. He knows it too. But I'm finding immense comfort in hugging my sweater that smells like cigarette smoke. It smells like him. That first night I also couldn't tear my eyes away from him either. I was almost afraid that if I looked away for a moment he might disappear. So I stared (probably borderline creeper status), smiled like an absolute idiot, and tried desperately to lock away the picture of his face in my memory. He was so handsome. New haircut and he shaved for me and I know he didn't want to do either. It's the little things that mean the most to me. The first night was one for the books. The next morning, however, I woke with a fever and an intensely swollen throat. I'm convinced it was strep throat and it is just now going away. I slept the entire day. Sad at the wasted day but my boyfriend was at work anyway. He was so excited to be at work so he could earn money to take me out. But that wouldn't happen so easily. His terrible, irresponsible, jerk of a roommate failed to let him know rent was due. All that was left was a single Lincoln. Upset. Almost to the point of unreasonable. I hadn't seen this side of him before. In all honesty, it scared me. He had wanted to so badly to be able to take me out since I had spent my own money to come and see him. Something he said he couldn't fathom. Someone caring about him that much to sacrifice for him. So he just wanted to do this one little thing for me. He opened up to me that night. I saw a serious side of him. Something he claims he doesn't have. For the first time he let me in. Even though I couldn't do a thing to really be of great comfort to him he chose to open up to me anyway. That meant the world to me. He was vulnerable. Still is as a matter of fact. We ended up fighting a couple of days later. My fault. My lack of communication skills along with hoping he would just magically know what I wanted. For the first time he saw my flaws. I'm troubled that he has put me up onto a pedestal. I'm not perfect, I have a temper like everyone else. However, having me on this pedestal causes even my minor mistakes to look like major mistakes. We made up and I sort of enjoyed the rest of the time there. I may be negative but I couldn't shake the thought of leaving him. Why? Because I knew what I was coming back to. Nothing worth while for sure. A mundane, depressing existence that lacked the one person I have come to depend on so much. I felt empty as my plane landed. No one waiting for me, a quiet drive home, and an evening spent alone. Today I sensed a change. I knew he was bothered by something. I know I'm partly to blame. I think he is very much feeling the pressures of life and the choices he could make. Some of these choices will affect me and he's not sure about them. I'm beginning to think he and I are scarily alike in our deep sense of feelings. I just happen to be able to blog them out. No. I don't necessarily feel better but there's some twisted comfort in knowing that at least my feelings are physically out there in the form of this blog post. He shuts everyone out. Even those he cares for most. He is tormented by the challenges of life and they plague him even though he knows he has so many other things on his plate to worry about. He feels alone. I wish he wouldn't shut me out too but at the very least I know all too well this scenario. Am I walking blindly? Can two people that have such immensely deep feelings but refuse to talk about them have a future together? It would be a challenge, I'm not going to lie. But I've made up in my mind that he is worth it. I just hope he eventually feels the same way about me.
Thinking back on it now is like a dream and with each passing day it will start to fade. That's why I write. I write in my moments of intense emotion so I can one day look back and maybe remember those raw feelings and memories that are very much real for me at this very moment.
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