Stargazer Lily

Stargazer lily. My favorite flower. I suppose at the very least he knows that. I'm not going to lie, when my co-workers boyfriend walked into work tonight carrying a bouquet of flowers my heart sank just a little bit. So sweet an act. An act of genuineness and in particular, apology. An act which actually felt like a slap in the face to me since stargazer lilies happen to be my favorite flower. An act I will likely never see. I've always sort of down played the giving of flowers in my book. I generally call it "frivolous" since flowers die so quickly and seem cliche. However, in all reality, I would love absolutely nothing more than to receive flowers from someone. Valentines day is coming up. I haven't decided what sort of attitude to embrace for that day. I should really just expect nothing because I'm 99% sure that's just what I'll get. Isn't that sad? The biggest hopeless romantic I know is barely romanticized or swept off her feet. It will happen some day right?

Drowning in the depths of feelings.

Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there that feels as deeply as I do. I let everything affect me. I feel everything right down to my soul it seems. Inevitably I take everything personally and become frustrated when others don't meet me at the same emotional level. That's why I intentionally put on a persona that seemingly is always happy, care free, and takes few things seriously. It's hard living a double life but I am hurt less. Although, right now a part of my heart is so exposed to the elements. I am definitely feeling the wear on it. Stomped on, ignored, taken for granted. It yearns to be set free to feel as deeply as it wants to for another person. I fear it really may never happen. Sure I'm loved. At least I think I am. The evidence I have seen, let's face it, has been minimal. Am I being selfish? Or is it maybe I'm finally starting to realize my self-worth?

The kind of love that spills from the soul.

Passion. I guess that's what you call it. Doing something so whole heartedly that it takes everything in you. Like loving someone. Sure you can love people to different degrees but when it's the kind of love where you picture yourself at a ripe old age still holding the hand of the love of your life that's where I love 110%. Intimidating I know. But I can't even imagine loving any less. He's not perfect. He is scared of my intense feelings. He could keep in contact a little more. He's afraid to let me in. Flaws. Everyone has them. But even with all these obstacles I still love him. More than he'll ever know. He has no idea the affect he has on me. Every email, text, note...I keep them all. I just reread an email he sent to me back in August just after he moved away. I saw a glimpse of his heart then. So raw with emotion. I felt it all the way to my soul the first time I read it. I cried. Not tears of sadness but happy ones.
I must confess I've been sad lately. He's unhappy and his solution has been to close himself off to everyone, even me. If there was anything at all I could be doing for him right now I'd do it in a heart beat. I hate that I can't make him happy. It kills me. I attempted to have a heart-to-heart with him last night. It was semi-profitable you could say. I got my message across and now the ball is in his court. At the very least I now know he is in fact really struggling right now. I know he doesn't want to burden me with his issues, I just wish I could do something about them. Fight his battles or something. But I know he wouldn't want that at all. He did tell me something I'll never forget. He told me I was the "one person who deserves his love." This statement at the moment is currently stuck in my mind. I don't deserve anything I get from him but just the fact that he means it means the world to me. I feel like my heart is about to spill over. He says I shouldn't put so much stock into him...but I can't help it. If I pay the price I pay the price. After all, I did say I can't love half-heartedly. I have one life. Why waste it not loving to the fullest?