Missing You

"I miss you". If there was somehow a way to compute how often this phrase gets used in just a single day I'm sure the results would be enormous. But just because it is overused doesn't mean I mean it any less. It's true. I miss you. My heart aches. Luckily, this ache is sometimes dulled by the busyness of life. That's why I try to stay busy. To distract. Sadly, at the end of the day when I'm forced to be alone, these aching feelings creep up and almost always overwhelm me with a sense of loss. Without you I feel lost, alone. Don't get me wrong. I like being alone, I just don't like feeling alone. I'm left to my thoughts. Silence sometimes screams the loudest. This silence between us is slowly wearing me down emotionally. I lie here consumed with thoughts of you and I'm left wondering if you even thought about me once today. My pessimism says no...it says you're thinking about leaving me for something better...it says you are getting tired of me and the pressure you feel from me. These are the thoughts that plague me when I'm alone. I hate it. Then again, there is sleep. A long escape from reality. As luck would have it, my dreams are filled with you. You. Are. My. Drug. I can't get you out of my mind. I miss you. I love you. Don't forget me.

What I Want Most Right Now

I had a serious chat with my boyfriend last night. Today, I feel terrible. So I am back to blogging because I know there really isn't anyone who I feel I can talk to. I'd like to talk it out with my boyfriend but I think I just need to give him space. Maybe that is the problem. I'm a fixer. If something is wrong is knaws and nags at me until I either do something about it this instant or it drives me crazy. Currently I would say I am in the crazy category. What do you do when all you are guilty of is living your own life how you think you should? I work...a lot and I attend school. I pay my own bills. Not the most enjoyable thing. But I do all of these things anyway because I'm not satisfied with where I am at. I work my tail off so I can maybe have the opportunities and freedoms of my choosing one day. I can't help this nor can I help that I'm a rare, odd breed of mature. You could say I don't go with the flow...at all really. I'm 21 and I don't drink, party, and I'm responsible. Is this a fun existence? I'm content with it for the most part and it probably won't change. The problem? My boyfriend feels inadequate compared to me and pressure to get his life into some sort of order. He's definitely taken a step back emotionally. He's been hurt in the past and let's face it. I'm not the typical girl he is used to and he's left wondering what in the world is he going to do with me. He feels our levels are maturity are too different...my success bothers him...my intense feelings scare him. I've not meant to but I've done all of this to him. He's confused and I'm hurt. I wish I could make him see that I don't care about status or anything like that and he shouldn't either. I know that he is doing all that he can and the best that he can in the circumstances he is in right now. And I love him for that. As for my feelings? Maybe this is what my down fall is. Loving whole heartedly with reckless abandon. I can't just love him a little. Everything in me loves him for who he is. This intimidates him. He knows I'm the "real deal" and he feels helpless. So, knowing all of this, I'm giving him space. It hurts. And all I want when I'm hurting is for him to be there for me. It's a twisted circle of ironic pain. It's like, I'm all out there for him. I've invested 100% of myself and my feelings. But he isn't there yet. But I don't want to push. The last thing I want to do is lose him. So I'll wait. However, I wish I could understand what is holding him back. Doesn't he know how happy he has made me these last few months? He doesn't feel good enough for me. Well, you know what? And he'd think this is ridiculous, but I've never felt good enough for him. I mean, look at me. I'm a homebody who works way too much and isn't exciting or even necessarily fun to be around. What do I have to offer? I don't. He on the other hand, loves life, lives it to its fullest, and honestly cares about everyone. He's crazy talented and intelligent. I couldn't measure up to him even if I wanted to. I'm just thankful he hasn't realized he could get just about any girl without even trying. I'd be a goner. A very devastated goner. Anyway, I don't know what the future will bring. I want to call him, text him, speak to him...but I also want to give him the space he needs to sort out everything. It hurts. But I'd go through anything for him. Tears...the wrenching pain in my chest. It goes away in time. Always does. So until then I'll be quietly fighting for us. Fighting for this rare love I've found. Fighting for a man who has turned my world up-side-down for the better.

Just a Small Town Girl...

I'm feeling pretty alone right now. Granted, I know there isn't a person on this entire Earth who hasn't had similar feelings to the ones I'm currently dealing with. It's been about a month since I last posted so I should probably catch you up on at least the last several days. For the past five days I've been in Nashville, Tennessee. There isn't an adequate adjective to appropriately describe the feelings I got when I was there. I felt not only happy...but the kind of happy where you know honestly believe that everything is going to work out. No matter what. Like I was on top of the world and no one could bring me down. Except myself that is. I was bombarded really. I got a real glimpse of humanity. I came to terms with love and how it doesn't magically solve everything. I have to fight for what I feel passionately about sometimes. With all these up's and down's which happened to be my fault. A regular roller coaster. Enough with the jargon right? I'll give some back story.

I suppose I should first answer the obvious. Why was I in Tennessee you ask? I was there visiting my boyfriend. My love. My life. And I almost screwed it up all too! *face palm*
I conquered some finals and hopped on a plane where I landed in Nashville last Thursday evening. I had some sort of intuition but he ended up surprising me at the baggage claim. I can honest to God say I have never ever been so thrilled to see someone in my life. I love him. More than I should. More than humanly possible it seems. Being back now I feel already like a part of my soul is missing. The part that I can lean on and feel secure with. The funny thing is that I don't think he has any idea how deeply I feel towards him. Anyway, we spent the evening being together and familiarizing ourselves to each other. It was so good to be able to hold him. I had forgotten what he smelled like. And I won't likely forget for a while because now that I've opened my suitcase being back from my trip the entire room smells of cigarette smoke. Funny thing, this smell. I hate smoking. It worries me a lot that my boyfriend smokes. He knows it too. But I'm finding immense comfort in hugging my sweater that smells like cigarette smoke. It smells like him. That first night I also couldn't tear my eyes away from him either. I was almost afraid that if I looked away for a moment he might disappear. So I stared (probably borderline creeper status), smiled like an absolute idiot, and tried desperately to lock away the picture of his face in my memory. He was so handsome. New haircut and he shaved for me and I know he didn't want to do either. It's the little things that mean the most to me. The first night was one for the books. The next morning, however, I woke with a fever and an intensely swollen throat. I'm convinced it was strep throat and it is just now going away. I slept the entire day. Sad at the wasted day but my boyfriend was at work anyway. He was so excited to be at work so he could earn money to take me out. But that wouldn't happen so easily. His terrible, irresponsible, jerk of a roommate failed to let him know rent was due. All that was left was a single Lincoln. Upset. Almost to the point of unreasonable. I hadn't seen this side of him before. In all honesty, it scared me. He had wanted to so badly to be able to take me out since I had spent my own money to come and see him. Something he said he couldn't fathom. Someone caring about him that much to sacrifice for him. So he just wanted to do this one little thing for me. He opened up to me that night. I saw a serious side of him. Something he claims he doesn't have. For the first time he let me in. Even though I couldn't do a thing to really be of great comfort to him he chose to open up to me anyway. That meant the world to me. He was vulnerable. Still is as a matter of fact. We ended up fighting a couple of days later. My fault. My lack of communication skills along with hoping he would just magically know what I wanted. For the first time he saw my flaws. I'm troubled that he has put me up onto a pedestal. I'm not perfect, I have a temper like everyone else. However, having me on this pedestal causes even my minor mistakes to look like major mistakes. We made up and I sort of enjoyed the rest of the time there. I may be negative but I couldn't shake the thought of leaving him. Why? Because I knew what I was coming back to. Nothing worth while for sure. A mundane, depressing existence that lacked the one person I have come to depend on so much. I felt empty as my plane landed. No one waiting for me, a quiet drive home, and an evening spent alone. Today I sensed a change. I knew he was bothered by something. I know I'm partly to blame. I think he is very much feeling the pressures of life and the choices he could make. Some of these choices will affect me and he's not sure about them. I'm beginning to think he and I are scarily alike in our deep sense of feelings. I just happen to be able to blog them out. No. I don't necessarily feel better but there's some twisted comfort in knowing that at least my feelings are physically out there in the form of this blog post. He shuts everyone out. Even those he cares for most. He is tormented by the challenges of life and they plague him even though he knows he has so many other things on his plate to worry about. He feels alone. I wish he wouldn't shut me out too but at the very least I know all too well this scenario. Am I walking blindly? Can two people that have such immensely deep feelings but refuse to talk about them have a future together? It would be a challenge, I'm not going to lie. But I've made up in my mind that he is worth it. I just hope he eventually feels the same way about me.

 Thinking back on it now is like a dream and with each passing day it will start to fade. That's why I write. I write in my moments of intense emotion so I can one day look back and maybe remember those raw feelings and memories that are very much real for me at this very moment.