It's been a while. 3 years almost since I last posted. A lot has happened. I met a wonderful man. He's not perfect but neither am I. He's the most grounded person I've ever met which is evidently what I needed given my wild and crazy emotions. A huge change from the last guy I dated. Big surprise. Even going back now and reading some of my old posts I'm embarrassed. Here's another addendum. I don't really believe in God anymore. Maybe I've become too cynical or whatever but I cannot believe a good God would allow some of the things that have happened in the world or to myself if he really existed. Do I still fear getting struck my lightening at my sacreligiousness? Yeah...sometimes. I'm also in my last semester of school. So far? I hate it. I hate failure and stress and those two things have come full circle. If the goal was to make me feel completely overwhelmed and stupid by the end of today the goal was accomplished.
I'm sort of just mad at the world right now. And I know what you're thinking. Poor little bratty Asian girl with good grades is having a bad day. Don't marginalize my problems just because you think I look like I have it all together on the outside. I hate knowing that I have only completed 1 day of 8 weeks of my first placement. Then I still have another 8 weeks to go. I hate living at home with my completely disrespectful parents who genuinely think I am a sinful whore. I hate bills. I hate not feeling like an independent adult because I'm not finished with school yet when all my old friends have long past that point. I don't mean to wish my life away but this season of my life has not been enjoyable. Unfortunately, I have also done the disservice of taking it out on those closest to me.
I'm honestly trying to manage and juggle the responsibilities of being an adult and the relationships I have but both can't come out on top. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I cry. All the time. Sometimes for no reason and I hide it. I'm most likely an undiagnosed chronic depressed individual but I am too afraid to go get a professional opinion on that. I feel fat. All the time even though I know I'm not. I eat too little and then binge then work out excessively. Throw in chronic depression, mix it with body dysmorphia, and jazz it up with a little environmental induced anxiety and boom! You get me. Today's failure didn't help. The only thing that really keeps me going is validation from others. Sounds stupid. Looked stupid even as I was typing it. But that is the reality of the situation. I feel like the life is slowly getting sucked out from me and no one can save me.
