Reality

How do you walk away from the love of your life? The love you have come to know and rely on. The love that gives meaning to my day. The love that (through a serious of incidents) is now not returned. Many would say I should walk away. Part of me wonders whether I should.

But I can't do it.
 So I continue to allow daily injury to my heart, soul, and being. Sometimes plastering a smile and sometimes faking a laugh. It's the reality I've come to deal with. But there is so much more to life. I don't want to miss out. So I cling to those few in my life who are unconditionally there for me. For brief moments they make me see there is life outside myself. And for that I will always be thankful to them.

Is this cowardly? Perhaps. Although maybe this just goes to show my unhumanly, intense desire to love and be loved. I think it's a little of both. Or maybe I'm just disillusioned...holding on to what we had. Refusing to accept the past is the past and now things are different. I hold on to words. I cling to them. Yet somehow I cannot bring myself to believe that sometimes words aren't capable of shielding us from impending doom no matter how much we "meant" them at the time.

So much runs through my mind. I cannot lie. It is mentally exhausting to be me all the time. Some days my mind is so chalked full of these thoughts all I can do is break down and cry myself to sleep.Otherwise, it is the other way around like right now where sleep evades me. Pitiful I know. I never knew the past could influence someone so much until now.

As a little girl I always imagined this "fairytale" and quite frankly unrealistic, warped view of love. It refused to see the difficult sides or the ugly sides that inevitably come along with it. I never saw myself being in love with someone who in all honesty does not believe love can last. But I am...and like I said, I've made my bed and I am choosing to lie in it...however lonely it may be. And my oh, my is it  lonely.

I never knew hope could be a bad thing until now. Cause sometimes people hope impossible things. And the thing I am hoping for most right now, I can't say it will happen. I recognize that I am a sad individual but what can I do? I'm stuck and it's self-inflicted.