Just Give Me A Reason: My Anthem

Right from the start You were a thief You stole my heart And I your willing victim 
 I let you see the parts of me That weren't all that pretty And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh Things you never say to me oh oh Tell me that you've had enough Of our love, our love
(Chorus) Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars It's been written in the scars on our hearts That we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understand Where all of this is coming from I thought that we were fine (Oh we had everything) Your head is running wild again My dear we still have everythin' And it's all in your mind (Yeah but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams oh oh You used to lie so close to me oh oh There's nothing more than empty sheets Between our love, our love Oh our love, our love
(Chorus) Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough  
] Just a second we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
I never stopped You're still written in the scars on my heart You're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
Oh tear ducts and rust I'll fix it for us We're collecting dust But our love's enough
You're holding it in You're pouring a drink No nothing is as bad as it seems We'll come clean
(Chorus)

"Just Give Me A Reason" Pink. Album: The Truth About Love

 

Ever hear a song and wonder how in the world did that artist read my mind and express my exact feelings that only I know about? Can they read minds? Did they read my diary? In all actuality, it's probably just a classic case of irony but nevertheless this particular song hits the nail on the head in terms of my specific situation right now. It's been a while since my last post. A lot has happened. Those star gazer lilies I mentioned last time? Got them. The week of Valentines was absolutely wonderful. Too bad it didn't last. Like I said, the week was amazing but feelings were compromised. I'm at the point of my relationship where the "honeymoon" affect has worn off. The realization that I am dating a real human being (and vice versa) who makes mistakes has officially set in. Throw in the huge dynamic of how you react to problems and if you choose to fix them or ignore them. I'm finding myself and my significant other on opposite ends of the spectrum...and we're working on it. Well...at least I am. No, he is too. He just is the classic "compartmentalizer" of problems and quite frankly that is always something that has driven me nuts about guys in general. I wish I had that ability. I stress, worry, and over analyze. That was pointed out to me. Sort of hurt in the way it happened but oh well. I am extremely extremely aware that I over analyze. I'm a female. What do you honestly expect? But I'm working on it... 

However, it's lead me to really start to doubt and question. I love him. To death. That scares me. I'm not sure what he feels anymore and everything in me says to pull back emotionally. I'm honestly trying to do this and it is driving me nuts. I just hope it doesn't end up driving him away and into the arms of someone else. This is just worry speaking though. Why can't I just compartmentalize my problems? I can't control them nor do I know the outcome. So why stress over something I can't control? Take it one day at a time right? 

So much easier said then done. 

 

I miss him. I miss his "I love yous." I miss his hand holding mine. I miss his arms hugging me. I miss those simpler times where our love was invincible. Life had to complicate it. 

 

I don't know where we will end up. This unknown is eating me alive. I haven't been sleeping. I've been super distracted and quite frankly...not myself and everyone has noticed. They say happiness is a choice. I know all the motivational/inspirational quotes. I have great support of friends. I know that I can conquer this storm. But why do I still feel sad and lonely? I've honestly debated in looking into taking some anti-depressants. Depression is always something I've struggled with anyway and I've never done anything about it. I was taught growing up that depression is one's own fault and not a true health condition thus making medicines irrelevant. I'm highly questioning that notion now. I'm sort of in this permanent state of sad existence only brought to life by one person. I shouldn't put so much stock into someone...I know this. 

 

I'm trying. That's all I can say. Such a pitiful statement in my mind but there isn't anything else I can do but try. Try to be happy. Try to do the right thing. Try to give the appropriate distance. Try to understand. Try to not mess up. 

 

So basically until things get sorted out, Pink's song will be my anthem. It's a sad, but truthfully raw song which gives a small amount of hope. That's what I'm left to do. Try and hope for the best. 

Stargazer Lily

Stargazer lily. My favorite flower. I suppose at the very least he knows that. I'm not going to lie, when my co-workers boyfriend walked into work tonight carrying a bouquet of flowers my heart sank just a little bit. So sweet an act. An act of genuineness and in particular, apology. An act which actually felt like a slap in the face to me since stargazer lilies happen to be my favorite flower. An act I will likely never see. I've always sort of down played the giving of flowers in my book. I generally call it "frivolous" since flowers die so quickly and seem cliche. However, in all reality, I would love absolutely nothing more than to receive flowers from someone. Valentines day is coming up. I haven't decided what sort of attitude to embrace for that day. I should really just expect nothing because I'm 99% sure that's just what I'll get. Isn't that sad? The biggest hopeless romantic I know is barely romanticized or swept off her feet. It will happen some day right?

Drowning in the depths of feelings.

Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there that feels as deeply as I do. I let everything affect me. I feel everything right down to my soul it seems. Inevitably I take everything personally and become frustrated when others don't meet me at the same emotional level. That's why I intentionally put on a persona that seemingly is always happy, care free, and takes few things seriously. It's hard living a double life but I am hurt less. Although, right now a part of my heart is so exposed to the elements. I am definitely feeling the wear on it. Stomped on, ignored, taken for granted. It yearns to be set free to feel as deeply as it wants to for another person. I fear it really may never happen. Sure I'm loved. At least I think I am. The evidence I have seen, let's face it, has been minimal. Am I being selfish? Or is it maybe I'm finally starting to realize my self-worth?

The kind of love that spills from the soul.

Passion. I guess that's what you call it. Doing something so whole heartedly that it takes everything in you. Like loving someone. Sure you can love people to different degrees but when it's the kind of love where you picture yourself at a ripe old age still holding the hand of the love of your life that's where I love 110%. Intimidating I know. But I can't even imagine loving any less. He's not perfect. He is scared of my intense feelings. He could keep in contact a little more. He's afraid to let me in. Flaws. Everyone has them. But even with all these obstacles I still love him. More than he'll ever know. He has no idea the affect he has on me. Every email, text, note...I keep them all. I just reread an email he sent to me back in August just after he moved away. I saw a glimpse of his heart then. So raw with emotion. I felt it all the way to my soul the first time I read it. I cried. Not tears of sadness but happy ones.
I must confess I've been sad lately. He's unhappy and his solution has been to close himself off to everyone, even me. If there was anything at all I could be doing for him right now I'd do it in a heart beat. I hate that I can't make him happy. It kills me. I attempted to have a heart-to-heart with him last night. It was semi-profitable you could say. I got my message across and now the ball is in his court. At the very least I now know he is in fact really struggling right now. I know he doesn't want to burden me with his issues, I just wish I could do something about them. Fight his battles or something. But I know he wouldn't want that at all. He did tell me something I'll never forget. He told me I was the "one person who deserves his love." This statement at the moment is currently stuck in my mind. I don't deserve anything I get from him but just the fact that he means it means the world to me. I feel like my heart is about to spill over. He says I shouldn't put so much stock into him...but I can't help it. If I pay the price I pay the price. After all, I did say I can't love half-heartedly. I have one life. Why waste it not loving to the fullest?

Missing You

"I miss you". If there was somehow a way to compute how often this phrase gets used in just a single day I'm sure the results would be enormous. But just because it is overused doesn't mean I mean it any less. It's true. I miss you. My heart aches. Luckily, this ache is sometimes dulled by the busyness of life. That's why I try to stay busy. To distract. Sadly, at the end of the day when I'm forced to be alone, these aching feelings creep up and almost always overwhelm me with a sense of loss. Without you I feel lost, alone. Don't get me wrong. I like being alone, I just don't like feeling alone. I'm left to my thoughts. Silence sometimes screams the loudest. This silence between us is slowly wearing me down emotionally. I lie here consumed with thoughts of you and I'm left wondering if you even thought about me once today. My pessimism says no...it says you're thinking about leaving me for something better...it says you are getting tired of me and the pressure you feel from me. These are the thoughts that plague me when I'm alone. I hate it. Then again, there is sleep. A long escape from reality. As luck would have it, my dreams are filled with you. You. Are. My. Drug. I can't get you out of my mind. I miss you. I love you. Don't forget me.

What I Want Most Right Now

I had a serious chat with my boyfriend last night. Today, I feel terrible. So I am back to blogging because I know there really isn't anyone who I feel I can talk to. I'd like to talk it out with my boyfriend but I think I just need to give him space. Maybe that is the problem. I'm a fixer. If something is wrong is knaws and nags at me until I either do something about it this instant or it drives me crazy. Currently I would say I am in the crazy category. What do you do when all you are guilty of is living your own life how you think you should? I work...a lot and I attend school. I pay my own bills. Not the most enjoyable thing. But I do all of these things anyway because I'm not satisfied with where I am at. I work my tail off so I can maybe have the opportunities and freedoms of my choosing one day. I can't help this nor can I help that I'm a rare, odd breed of mature. You could say I don't go with the flow...at all really. I'm 21 and I don't drink, party, and I'm responsible. Is this a fun existence? I'm content with it for the most part and it probably won't change. The problem? My boyfriend feels inadequate compared to me and pressure to get his life into some sort of order. He's definitely taken a step back emotionally. He's been hurt in the past and let's face it. I'm not the typical girl he is used to and he's left wondering what in the world is he going to do with me. He feels our levels are maturity are too different...my success bothers him...my intense feelings scare him. I've not meant to but I've done all of this to him. He's confused and I'm hurt. I wish I could make him see that I don't care about status or anything like that and he shouldn't either. I know that he is doing all that he can and the best that he can in the circumstances he is in right now. And I love him for that. As for my feelings? Maybe this is what my down fall is. Loving whole heartedly with reckless abandon. I can't just love him a little. Everything in me loves him for who he is. This intimidates him. He knows I'm the "real deal" and he feels helpless. So, knowing all of this, I'm giving him space. It hurts. And all I want when I'm hurting is for him to be there for me. It's a twisted circle of ironic pain. It's like, I'm all out there for him. I've invested 100% of myself and my feelings. But he isn't there yet. But I don't want to push. The last thing I want to do is lose him. So I'll wait. However, I wish I could understand what is holding him back. Doesn't he know how happy he has made me these last few months? He doesn't feel good enough for me. Well, you know what? And he'd think this is ridiculous, but I've never felt good enough for him. I mean, look at me. I'm a homebody who works way too much and isn't exciting or even necessarily fun to be around. What do I have to offer? I don't. He on the other hand, loves life, lives it to its fullest, and honestly cares about everyone. He's crazy talented and intelligent. I couldn't measure up to him even if I wanted to. I'm just thankful he hasn't realized he could get just about any girl without even trying. I'd be a goner. A very devastated goner. Anyway, I don't know what the future will bring. I want to call him, text him, speak to him...but I also want to give him the space he needs to sort out everything. It hurts. But I'd go through anything for him. Tears...the wrenching pain in my chest. It goes away in time. Always does. So until then I'll be quietly fighting for us. Fighting for this rare love I've found. Fighting for a man who has turned my world up-side-down for the better.

Just a Small Town Girl...

I'm feeling pretty alone right now. Granted, I know there isn't a person on this entire Earth who hasn't had similar feelings to the ones I'm currently dealing with. It's been about a month since I last posted so I should probably catch you up on at least the last several days. For the past five days I've been in Nashville, Tennessee. There isn't an adequate adjective to appropriately describe the feelings I got when I was there. I felt not only happy...but the kind of happy where you know honestly believe that everything is going to work out. No matter what. Like I was on top of the world and no one could bring me down. Except myself that is. I was bombarded really. I got a real glimpse of humanity. I came to terms with love and how it doesn't magically solve everything. I have to fight for what I feel passionately about sometimes. With all these up's and down's which happened to be my fault. A regular roller coaster. Enough with the jargon right? I'll give some back story.

I suppose I should first answer the obvious. Why was I in Tennessee you ask? I was there visiting my boyfriend. My love. My life. And I almost screwed it up all too! *face palm*
I conquered some finals and hopped on a plane where I landed in Nashville last Thursday evening. I had some sort of intuition but he ended up surprising me at the baggage claim. I can honest to God say I have never ever been so thrilled to see someone in my life. I love him. More than I should. More than humanly possible it seems. Being back now I feel already like a part of my soul is missing. The part that I can lean on and feel secure with. The funny thing is that I don't think he has any idea how deeply I feel towards him. Anyway, we spent the evening being together and familiarizing ourselves to each other. It was so good to be able to hold him. I had forgotten what he smelled like. And I won't likely forget for a while because now that I've opened my suitcase being back from my trip the entire room smells of cigarette smoke. Funny thing, this smell. I hate smoking. It worries me a lot that my boyfriend smokes. He knows it too. But I'm finding immense comfort in hugging my sweater that smells like cigarette smoke. It smells like him. That first night I also couldn't tear my eyes away from him either. I was almost afraid that if I looked away for a moment he might disappear. So I stared (probably borderline creeper status), smiled like an absolute idiot, and tried desperately to lock away the picture of his face in my memory. He was so handsome. New haircut and he shaved for me and I know he didn't want to do either. It's the little things that mean the most to me. The first night was one for the books. The next morning, however, I woke with a fever and an intensely swollen throat. I'm convinced it was strep throat and it is just now going away. I slept the entire day. Sad at the wasted day but my boyfriend was at work anyway. He was so excited to be at work so he could earn money to take me out. But that wouldn't happen so easily. His terrible, irresponsible, jerk of a roommate failed to let him know rent was due. All that was left was a single Lincoln. Upset. Almost to the point of unreasonable. I hadn't seen this side of him before. In all honesty, it scared me. He had wanted to so badly to be able to take me out since I had spent my own money to come and see him. Something he said he couldn't fathom. Someone caring about him that much to sacrifice for him. So he just wanted to do this one little thing for me. He opened up to me that night. I saw a serious side of him. Something he claims he doesn't have. For the first time he let me in. Even though I couldn't do a thing to really be of great comfort to him he chose to open up to me anyway. That meant the world to me. He was vulnerable. Still is as a matter of fact. We ended up fighting a couple of days later. My fault. My lack of communication skills along with hoping he would just magically know what I wanted. For the first time he saw my flaws. I'm troubled that he has put me up onto a pedestal. I'm not perfect, I have a temper like everyone else. However, having me on this pedestal causes even my minor mistakes to look like major mistakes. We made up and I sort of enjoyed the rest of the time there. I may be negative but I couldn't shake the thought of leaving him. Why? Because I knew what I was coming back to. Nothing worth while for sure. A mundane, depressing existence that lacked the one person I have come to depend on so much. I felt empty as my plane landed. No one waiting for me, a quiet drive home, and an evening spent alone. Today I sensed a change. I knew he was bothered by something. I know I'm partly to blame. I think he is very much feeling the pressures of life and the choices he could make. Some of these choices will affect me and he's not sure about them. I'm beginning to think he and I are scarily alike in our deep sense of feelings. I just happen to be able to blog them out. No. I don't necessarily feel better but there's some twisted comfort in knowing that at least my feelings are physically out there in the form of this blog post. He shuts everyone out. Even those he cares for most. He is tormented by the challenges of life and they plague him even though he knows he has so many other things on his plate to worry about. He feels alone. I wish he wouldn't shut me out too but at the very least I know all too well this scenario. Am I walking blindly? Can two people that have such immensely deep feelings but refuse to talk about them have a future together? It would be a challenge, I'm not going to lie. But I've made up in my mind that he is worth it. I just hope he eventually feels the same way about me.

 Thinking back on it now is like a dream and with each passing day it will start to fade. That's why I write. I write in my moments of intense emotion so I can one day look back and maybe remember those raw feelings and memories that are very much real for me at this very moment.