Happenings

It's been a while. 3 years almost since I last posted. A lot has happened. I met a wonderful man. He's not perfect but neither am I. He's the most grounded person I've ever met which is evidently what I needed given my wild and crazy emotions. A huge change from the last guy I dated. Big surprise. Even going back now and reading some of my old posts I'm embarrassed. Here's another addendum. I don't really believe in God anymore. Maybe I've become too cynical or whatever but I cannot believe a good God would allow some of the things that have happened in the world or to myself if he really existed. Do I still fear getting struck my lightening at my sacreligiousness? Yeah...sometimes. I'm also in my last semester of school. So far? I hate it. I hate failure and stress and those two things have come full circle. If the goal was to make me feel completely overwhelmed and stupid by the end of today the goal was accomplished.
I'm sort of just mad at the world right now. And I know what you're thinking. Poor little bratty Asian girl with good grades is having a bad day. Don't marginalize my problems just because you think I look like I have it all together on the outside. I hate knowing that I have only completed 1 day of 8 weeks of my first placement. Then I still have another 8 weeks to go. I hate living at home with my completely disrespectful parents who genuinely think I am a sinful whore. I hate bills. I hate not feeling like an independent adult because I'm not finished with school yet when all my old friends have long past that point. I don't mean to wish my life away but this season of my life has not been enjoyable. Unfortunately, I have also done the disservice of taking it out on those closest to me.
I'm honestly trying to manage and juggle the responsibilities of being an adult and the relationships I have but both can't come out on top. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I cry. All the time. Sometimes for no reason and I hide it. I'm most likely an undiagnosed chronic depressed individual but I am too afraid to go get a professional opinion on that. I feel fat. All the time even though I know I'm not. I eat too little and then binge then work out excessively. Throw in chronic depression, mix it with body dysmorphia, and jazz it up with a little environmental induced anxiety and boom! You get me. Today's failure didn't help. The only thing that really keeps me going is validation from others. Sounds stupid. Looked stupid even as I was typing it. But that is the reality of the situation. I feel like the life is slowly getting sucked out from me and no one can save me.

Reality

How do you walk away from the love of your life? The love you have come to know and rely on. The love that gives meaning to my day. The love that (through a serious of incidents) is now not returned. Many would say I should walk away. Part of me wonders whether I should.

But I can't do it.
 So I continue to allow daily injury to my heart, soul, and being. Sometimes plastering a smile and sometimes faking a laugh. It's the reality I've come to deal with. But there is so much more to life. I don't want to miss out. So I cling to those few in my life who are unconditionally there for me. For brief moments they make me see there is life outside myself. And for that I will always be thankful to them.

Is this cowardly? Perhaps. Although maybe this just goes to show my unhumanly, intense desire to love and be loved. I think it's a little of both. Or maybe I'm just disillusioned...holding on to what we had. Refusing to accept the past is the past and now things are different. I hold on to words. I cling to them. Yet somehow I cannot bring myself to believe that sometimes words aren't capable of shielding us from impending doom no matter how much we "meant" them at the time.

So much runs through my mind. I cannot lie. It is mentally exhausting to be me all the time. Some days my mind is so chalked full of these thoughts all I can do is break down and cry myself to sleep.Otherwise, it is the other way around like right now where sleep evades me. Pitiful I know. I never knew the past could influence someone so much until now.

As a little girl I always imagined this "fairytale" and quite frankly unrealistic, warped view of love. It refused to see the difficult sides or the ugly sides that inevitably come along with it. I never saw myself being in love with someone who in all honesty does not believe love can last. But I am...and like I said, I've made my bed and I am choosing to lie in it...however lonely it may be. And my oh, my is it  lonely.

I never knew hope could be a bad thing until now. Cause sometimes people hope impossible things. And the thing I am hoping for most right now, I can't say it will happen. I recognize that I am a sad individual but what can I do? I'm stuck and it's self-inflicted.

Just Give Me A Reason: My Anthem

Right from the start You were a thief You stole my heart And I your willing victim 
 I let you see the parts of me That weren't all that pretty And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh Things you never say to me oh oh Tell me that you've had enough Of our love, our love
(Chorus) Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars It's been written in the scars on our hearts That we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understand Where all of this is coming from I thought that we were fine (Oh we had everything) Your head is running wild again My dear we still have everythin' And it's all in your mind (Yeah but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams oh oh You used to lie so close to me oh oh There's nothing more than empty sheets Between our love, our love Oh our love, our love
(Chorus) Just give me a reason Just a little bit's enough  
] Just a second we're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
I never stopped You're still written in the scars on my heart You're not broken just bent And we can learn to love again
Oh tear ducts and rust I'll fix it for us We're collecting dust But our love's enough
You're holding it in You're pouring a drink No nothing is as bad as it seems We'll come clean
(Chorus)

"Just Give Me A Reason" Pink. Album: The Truth About Love

 

Ever hear a song and wonder how in the world did that artist read my mind and express my exact feelings that only I know about? Can they read minds? Did they read my diary? In all actuality, it's probably just a classic case of irony but nevertheless this particular song hits the nail on the head in terms of my specific situation right now. It's been a while since my last post. A lot has happened. Those star gazer lilies I mentioned last time? Got them. The week of Valentines was absolutely wonderful. Too bad it didn't last. Like I said, the week was amazing but feelings were compromised. I'm at the point of my relationship where the "honeymoon" affect has worn off. The realization that I am dating a real human being (and vice versa) who makes mistakes has officially set in. Throw in the huge dynamic of how you react to problems and if you choose to fix them or ignore them. I'm finding myself and my significant other on opposite ends of the spectrum...and we're working on it. Well...at least I am. No, he is too. He just is the classic "compartmentalizer" of problems and quite frankly that is always something that has driven me nuts about guys in general. I wish I had that ability. I stress, worry, and over analyze. That was pointed out to me. Sort of hurt in the way it happened but oh well. I am extremely extremely aware that I over analyze. I'm a female. What do you honestly expect? But I'm working on it... 

However, it's lead me to really start to doubt and question. I love him. To death. That scares me. I'm not sure what he feels anymore and everything in me says to pull back emotionally. I'm honestly trying to do this and it is driving me nuts. I just hope it doesn't end up driving him away and into the arms of someone else. This is just worry speaking though. Why can't I just compartmentalize my problems? I can't control them nor do I know the outcome. So why stress over something I can't control? Take it one day at a time right? 

So much easier said then done. 

 

I miss him. I miss his "I love yous." I miss his hand holding mine. I miss his arms hugging me. I miss those simpler times where our love was invincible. Life had to complicate it. 

 

I don't know where we will end up. This unknown is eating me alive. I haven't been sleeping. I've been super distracted and quite frankly...not myself and everyone has noticed. They say happiness is a choice. I know all the motivational/inspirational quotes. I have great support of friends. I know that I can conquer this storm. But why do I still feel sad and lonely? I've honestly debated in looking into taking some anti-depressants. Depression is always something I've struggled with anyway and I've never done anything about it. I was taught growing up that depression is one's own fault and not a true health condition thus making medicines irrelevant. I'm highly questioning that notion now. I'm sort of in this permanent state of sad existence only brought to life by one person. I shouldn't put so much stock into someone...I know this. 

 

I'm trying. That's all I can say. Such a pitiful statement in my mind but there isn't anything else I can do but try. Try to be happy. Try to do the right thing. Try to give the appropriate distance. Try to understand. Try to not mess up. 

 

So basically until things get sorted out, Pink's song will be my anthem. It's a sad, but truthfully raw song which gives a small amount of hope. That's what I'm left to do. Try and hope for the best. 

Stargazer Lily

Stargazer lily. My favorite flower. I suppose at the very least he knows that. I'm not going to lie, when my co-workers boyfriend walked into work tonight carrying a bouquet of flowers my heart sank just a little bit. So sweet an act. An act of genuineness and in particular, apology. An act which actually felt like a slap in the face to me since stargazer lilies happen to be my favorite flower. An act I will likely never see. I've always sort of down played the giving of flowers in my book. I generally call it "frivolous" since flowers die so quickly and seem cliche. However, in all reality, I would love absolutely nothing more than to receive flowers from someone. Valentines day is coming up. I haven't decided what sort of attitude to embrace for that day. I should really just expect nothing because I'm 99% sure that's just what I'll get. Isn't that sad? The biggest hopeless romantic I know is barely romanticized or swept off her feet. It will happen some day right?

Drowning in the depths of feelings.

Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there that feels as deeply as I do. I let everything affect me. I feel everything right down to my soul it seems. Inevitably I take everything personally and become frustrated when others don't meet me at the same emotional level. That's why I intentionally put on a persona that seemingly is always happy, care free, and takes few things seriously. It's hard living a double life but I am hurt less. Although, right now a part of my heart is so exposed to the elements. I am definitely feeling the wear on it. Stomped on, ignored, taken for granted. It yearns to be set free to feel as deeply as it wants to for another person. I fear it really may never happen. Sure I'm loved. At least I think I am. The evidence I have seen, let's face it, has been minimal. Am I being selfish? Or is it maybe I'm finally starting to realize my self-worth?

The kind of love that spills from the soul.

Passion. I guess that's what you call it. Doing something so whole heartedly that it takes everything in you. Like loving someone. Sure you can love people to different degrees but when it's the kind of love where you picture yourself at a ripe old age still holding the hand of the love of your life that's where I love 110%. Intimidating I know. But I can't even imagine loving any less. He's not perfect. He is scared of my intense feelings. He could keep in contact a little more. He's afraid to let me in. Flaws. Everyone has them. But even with all these obstacles I still love him. More than he'll ever know. He has no idea the affect he has on me. Every email, text, note...I keep them all. I just reread an email he sent to me back in August just after he moved away. I saw a glimpse of his heart then. So raw with emotion. I felt it all the way to my soul the first time I read it. I cried. Not tears of sadness but happy ones.
I must confess I've been sad lately. He's unhappy and his solution has been to close himself off to everyone, even me. If there was anything at all I could be doing for him right now I'd do it in a heart beat. I hate that I can't make him happy. It kills me. I attempted to have a heart-to-heart with him last night. It was semi-profitable you could say. I got my message across and now the ball is in his court. At the very least I now know he is in fact really struggling right now. I know he doesn't want to burden me with his issues, I just wish I could do something about them. Fight his battles or something. But I know he wouldn't want that at all. He did tell me something I'll never forget. He told me I was the "one person who deserves his love." This statement at the moment is currently stuck in my mind. I don't deserve anything I get from him but just the fact that he means it means the world to me. I feel like my heart is about to spill over. He says I shouldn't put so much stock into him...but I can't help it. If I pay the price I pay the price. After all, I did say I can't love half-heartedly. I have one life. Why waste it not loving to the fullest?

Missing You

"I miss you". If there was somehow a way to compute how often this phrase gets used in just a single day I'm sure the results would be enormous. But just because it is overused doesn't mean I mean it any less. It's true. I miss you. My heart aches. Luckily, this ache is sometimes dulled by the busyness of life. That's why I try to stay busy. To distract. Sadly, at the end of the day when I'm forced to be alone, these aching feelings creep up and almost always overwhelm me with a sense of loss. Without you I feel lost, alone. Don't get me wrong. I like being alone, I just don't like feeling alone. I'm left to my thoughts. Silence sometimes screams the loudest. This silence between us is slowly wearing me down emotionally. I lie here consumed with thoughts of you and I'm left wondering if you even thought about me once today. My pessimism says no...it says you're thinking about leaving me for something better...it says you are getting tired of me and the pressure you feel from me. These are the thoughts that plague me when I'm alone. I hate it. Then again, there is sleep. A long escape from reality. As luck would have it, my dreams are filled with you. You. Are. My. Drug. I can't get you out of my mind. I miss you. I love you. Don't forget me.